The Object of My Affection
by Aunt Flora
Summary: It wasn't him, but she took comfort from its existence. One part back story, one part epilogue for A Season of Grace and Charm.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: The characters here and the world they inhabit are the creation and property of Margaret Mitchell, her heirs, and their assigns._

Scarlett was worn out from working at the store, so she stayed home after dinner. She knew that Rhett still had business downtown and listened in her room until she heard him leave. The children were all on their own pursuits, and the coast was clear. She peeked out her door and slipped across the hall to his. His door was unlocked and she walked in, carefully shutting the door behind herself, as she'd done for the past two years.

"Mamma!"

Scarlett stopped dead in her tracks. She'd forgotten that Bonnie's little bed had been moved in here since her last visit. "Hello, darling. Shouldn't you be sleeping?" She edged toward Rhett's bed. She only needed to slide her hand under the pillow.

"Not seepy, mamma."

"I'm sure you've been playing hard all day," Scarlett answered. She found what she was looking for, and folded it as small as she could make it, then hid it in the folds of her skirt before turning back to the little girl.

"Mamma sing?"

Scarlett knew she was trapped. If she left before the child was asleep, the whole house would be up in arms and Rhett would be impossible. Scarlett sat on the floor next to Bonnie's bed and hummed a little before singing.

 _Beautiful dreamer,_  
 _Wake unto me_  
 _Starlight and dewdrops_  
 _Are awaiting thee..._

It worked, and before she had to start the song over, Bonnie was asleep.

"Scarlett?"

She looked up to find Rhett in the doorway. How long had he been there? Why was her heart suddenly pounding?

"I-I-she wasn't asleep, so I was singing a lullaby. I suppose she doesn't need me any more."

Keeping her left hand tangled in her skirt and the precious object she'd obtained, she knelt up and used her right hand to smooth Bonnie's hair and kiss her forehead before she very carefully moved around her husband and scooted across the hall where she quickly shut the door and stood against it, her heart racing.

She snapped the nightshirt out and crushed it within her arms, smelling his scent and letting it relax and calm her.

 _It had started the same week as that fateful argument. Why had she told him she didn't want him any more? Didn't she know, from the times he would leave her, that she would pay by far the greater price for that bit of foolishness? He knew. He'd told her right then and there that she would miss him, especially when the nightmares came._

 _The nightmare did came back, and there was no one to hold her tight and tell her she would be fine. Oh, how she missed Rhett! Did she dare cross the hall to see if he was in his room? She opened her door and peeked out. The door across the hall was wide open but there were no lights. He was at that Watling creature's house, no doubt. She couldn't tell him she was wrong. He would see that it was all her own selfish wants. She would have to pretend that it wasn't a problem._

 _Scarlett succumbed to a tearful rage, tearing at the sheets of the bed until she discovered his night shirt under one of the pillows. She held it to her face, and breathed in his scent of bay rum and cigar. It soothed her. It wasn't Rhett, and it couldn't compare to having his arms around her, but it provided something. Scarlett curled up in the bed, his nightshirt curled in her arms. Suddenly she realized that it would never be Rhett, and she could never have him back after the way she'd acted. The tears didn't stop coming, but at some point she fell asleep._

 _The nightshirt helped until it stopped smelling like him. Then a night came when she had another nightmare. She had to get a more recent nightshirt. Would there be one? She peeked out the door of her bedroom. His door was shut, and she could see the light was on underneath it. She was halfway across the hall before she realized that she couldn't go to him. He'd told her she couldn't and that if she did he wouldn't. She went back to her room. She couldn't stand to be mocked for her bad dream._

 _She paced her own room until it was light, wishing she knew how to make the dreams stop, desperately wishing he would come to her and ask. He must know by now that she was aware of how wrong she was. Prissy came and dressed her, and she went down to breakfast._

 _Rhett was peeling an orange but glanced up at her. "You look somewhat the worse for wear, Mrs. Butler. Has the staff neglected to refill the brandy?"_

 _She looked up at him and couldn't summon the will to rise to his bait. He looked good, much better than she felt. How could he be so happy with this arrangement, when it left her as it did? Anger finally rose to the surface. "As if you care," she bit out._

 _He chuckled to himself. "Just looking after my investment," he replied._

 _Scarlett looked into her lap to hide the tear. She would never be anything more than what she cost him. Couldn't he see that she was so much more than that? He used to be so kind to her. His mockery and barbs had been frequent, yes, but not the usual way as they were now. Was there any path back to that world? She glanced up again and saw Rhett reading his newspaper. She was the farthest thing from his mind. The food on the table nauseated her, so she got up._

 _"Leaving so soon?"_

 _"I don't guess I'm very hungry after all," she whispered miserably, eager to be away from him before the tears fell. Back in her room, the maid who was straightening her things took one look and left. Scarlett began pacing again._ _She waited until after dinner and tiptoed across the hallway. She knelt by his bed and buried her face in his pillow, smelling his scent, hugging it to herself... and found what she was looking for._

This is what her life at home had come to, sneaking into Rhett's bedroom to snatch a recently-used nightshirt so that she could rest on her worst days. She would sit at dinner and stare at him at the other end of the table, knowing she'd made a bad choice, and wishing she had a way to ask... but then he'd raise an eyebrow at her and she had no idea what to ask or how to ask it. Nightmares threatened especially on such nights, but she could never go to Rhett. Instead she took his shirt out of her nightstand drawer, the drawer that used to be his, and wrap it around herself. Then she could lure herself into thinking he was in her bed, holding her and keeping her safe.

It never occurred to her that Ashley Wilkes had made her neither so happy as Rhett used to make her, nor so miserable as she was now. Perhaps it was that her happiness and misery were tangled in the occasional sight of Ashley, alone or with his wife. At the same time, her pulse would race whenever she saw Rhett, and a feeling of emptiness would descend upon her when she felt him leave the house. It never occurred to her to think the question through, and her best confidante, the one person who might be able to help her figure out her muddle, was closed off to her.

* * *

The night Rhett come to her room, the night before the run was threatened on their bank, during that terrible year when there was a panic and every week a different bank fell, Rhett discovered Scarlett's secret. They hadn't meant to lie together like that. She'd merely seen someone as miserable as she was and in her new understanding of her feelings for him, she wanted to do anything to make him happier than he was.

He'd made the first move, and she would never tell him no, _hadn't_ ever told him no in the days before Bonnie was born, and _wouldn't_ have, even afterwards. Her resolve would have crumbled in his kisses. How could he not have known that? There was no time to think about that question. He kissed her and then he was... and she could only... and there it was, that wild thrill she'd felt when he'd carried her up the stairs, when any question of other loves was absurd. She received him with joy, telling him she loved him, wanting him to know it flowed backward to all of their times together.

Their bodies cooled and the reality set in. He didn't want her any more, and if she understood what he'd done, he had taken care to avoid a baby. She yearned after Bonnie and the child they would never see face to face. She wanted his baby, now, but he didn't. She wanted more than anything to lie in his arms and experience the feel of his skin against hers, but she sensed that he would hate that, and after these moments of bliss, she didn't want to risk it.

Scarlett found her nightgown and put it on, and then went over to the drawer where Rhett's most recent nightshirt was. He woke when she was pulling it over his head, and an uncomfortable conversation followed. She was right; he didn't want a baby, didn't want _her_ baby. He didn't seem to mind that he'd had her body, however, and he didn't leave her room. Instead he settled back into the bed and opened his arms to her. With a sigh she curled up against him. This was comfort. This was home. _This_ would be gone with the first train to Charleston.

For the next few hours, she would dread tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

_The characters here and the world they inhabit are the creation and property of Margaret Mitchell, her heirs, and their assigns._

Rhett found the drawer full of nightshirts two days after they'd let him out of bed after his first heart attack. Scarlett bustled in, carrying some mending for their youngest, Alexandra Solange. Rather, Alex was their _current_ youngest. Their future youngest was already making her stays uncomfortable. Scarlett stopped and held her side with her free hand to catch her breath.

"Scarlett?" He gestured with his hand at the drawer of nightshirts. She turned beet red at having been caught out. He was so strong and virile, how could she admit to the thoughts that had her collecting those shirts?

"I was so frightened, Rhett, and Doctor Dean told me I had to be strong for you and the children..." There wasn't anything she could add, but his mind was as quick as ever.

"Is that why you insisted on bathing and changing me every day?" He made a downcast face for her benefit but couldn't hold back a chuckle. "And here I thought you were sneaking a glimpse at me."

She blushed. Even at thirty-seven, after fifteen years of marriage, she was shy about discussing their marital life. And yet... the nightshirts were one of the secrets to her heart. He'd discovered that she kept them, and changed them out from time to time as the scent faded, throughout the estrangement that marred their early marriage. Whenever he'd doubted since then that she loved him, he came face to face with the fact that in his absence she took whatever she could get in order to have a sense of nearness to him.

"You could get just as far with a bar of bay rum soap and a few cigars."

"It wouldn't be quite right," she said. "I tried it... before. It was close but it was nothing like _you._ "

He had to come hug her, then. She'd been so foolish, but he hadn't been entirely wise himself. Trapped in a sense that everyone he tried to love would reject him, he'd protected himself when he should have made more of an attempt to understand her.

Rhett recovered completely from the attack. Doctor Dean said that his active lifestyle made him better able to throw such an event off than other men, but warned him against many of the same foods Scarlett was discouraged from. He was told to cut back on his liquor and cigars as well. Rhett and Scarlett had a long conversation with the kitchen staff, and Rhett cut his standing order with the tobacconist to ten per week. "You see, you don't need the nightshirts," he told his wife. She grudgingly agreed to have them laundered and put back away.

Scarlett's pregnancy made her achy and miserable. "I must be getting too old for this," she decided. Rhett reassured her that she was the perfect age for him and she smiled. Nevertheless, it couldn't be denied that she was gaining more weight than he recalled from before, and she seemed generally more exhausted. The doctor looked thoughtful whenever he examined her, but never shared whatever he was thinking.

Fortunately, it ended a few weeks early. Doctor Dean smiled nervously to Rhett every time he came out of the bedroom, but offered little reassurance, instead asking the servants for more water or towels. Rhett suddenly realized there was nothing like a nightshirt of Scarlett's for him to hold on to. Was there anything that could suffice if she was gone? He looked around the hallway. Wade was at Harvard, and Ella was at school. Gerald, Melanie and Alexandra were in the nursery, napping. He went to stand in that doorway and looked at the sweet faces. It helped.

A cry was heard down the hall, and Rhett saw Mrs. Dean walking to him with a bundle in her arms. "A boy, Captain Butler, just as precious as can be."

"How is-"

"Mrs. Butler is still quite busy yet. My husband expects her to be done in another hour, though."

"Quickly, Mrs. Dean!" came from the bedroom.

She slid the baby into Rhett's arms and hurried back.

Would it really be that long? He didn't remember it taking so long in between hearing Bonnie's cries and being able to go in to see her. Nor with Alexandra.

Rhett sat down with his new son and sighed. "You will learn with your mother that she takes exactly the time she needs to take. No more, and definitely no less." He leaned back and allowed himself to doze, grateful that the hard part was at least over, if he remembered from Gerald's birth. He sat up suddenly. Hadn't Scarlett fed Gerald while Mammy took care of the last things?

He heard Scarlett give out a groaning yell. A moment later, a baby cried. He looked down and saw that the child in his arms appeared to be sleeping and in any case was silent. He nearly dropped his son when he realized what the cry portended. Scarlett's extra misery during this pregnancy translated to two children instead of one. He looked at his son and smiled before being overwhelmed in a wave by what an extra child meant.

The nurse opened the door and called him in. "Captain Butler, your wife has also had a daughter." She was holding the other bundle. Scarlett was sitting up in the bed, obviously exhausted, but she held her arms out for the babies.

"I'll take _him_ now," she said. Rhett handed Scarlett the baby he was holding and took the other one. He sat down in the chair that was moved close to Scarlett's head.

As soon as he understood that he was being offered food, the baby latched right onto his mother, causing her to jump in surprise. She looked down and smiled.

Rhett looked at his daughter. "You're very good at this, Mrs. Butler," he said. "They're all quite beautiful."

"Thank you, Captain," she sighed with a smile.

"Do you suppose I could have my Katie Scarlett, now?"

"Does that mean I can have Rhett Kennesaw?"

They looked into each others eyes, and it was decided.

"You can't leave me for a long time, now, Rhett," she said. "You know how much trouble it is to raise a Katie Scarlett."

He chuckled ruefully, "And the other one will be nothing but trouble, I'm sure."

Evenutally the doctor declared that everything was done for now, and the Deans left. Rhett got on the bed with Scarlett. They traded babies so that little Katie could have her first meal and the parents took the opportunity to sleep.

* * *

The second attack, when the twins were in school, was hardly noticeable. Doctor Dean shook his head. "You're going to need to cut way back on your activity this time, Captain Butler," he said.

"I feel fine." He did, for the most part.

"Yes, but the damage has been done. I can hear a change in your heartbeat. You'll have to take it a little easier."

Scarlett smiled tearily and grasped Rhett's hand in her own. "We will, Doctor Dean. I'll make sure he's very careful from now on."

And so the passage of time went. Rhett changed from his spirited stallion to a more easygoing horse to ride to the bank during the week. On chilly or damp days, he let Pork and Dilcey's son, Ned, drive him in the buggy. On cold or rainy days, he let Scarlett keep him home with her. He stopped smoking altogether and limited his alcohol intake to a drink or two per week, while entertaining.

Giving up certain activities with Scarlett was a harder thing. The doctor told him that on evenings when he was feeling particularly good, they might, but a significant drop in their love life would be inevitable. She pulled his head to her chest and kissed it as he put his arms around her waist. "If I have to choose, I'd rather this than that, anyway," she whispered.

He breathed in the scent of her and agreed. "This is the sweeter part."

* * *

Wade had long since completed his law degree. He'd had his year in Europe and had now taken over the Hamilton law practice, allowing Uncle Henry to retire. The old lawyer had apologized to Scarlett and made a certain amount of amends, but they were never as close as they once had been. At some point he moved back into his brother's house with Pitty and the two kept out of each other's way except for meals and eventually faded from life, having long since discharged their duty toward their brother's children. Wade bought Beau's half of the Hamilton House and moved in. With a sense of shock, Scarlett realized he was taking notice of the young ladies in Altanta, now.

Ella finished her degree at Radcliffe, overlapping long enough with her brother at Harvard so that he could show her how to get around in Cambridge and Boston. Then she took an advanced degree besides. Scarlett despaired of her ever coming south again. Fortunately, Ella took a job as a professor of Latin, Greek and ancient literature at a college in Raleigh. One of Rhett's proudest days was leading her down the aisle of their church to a professor of the same subjects at the State college that was also in Raleigh. Their combined income would keep them quite well in a home purchased with the proceeds of selling Frank Kennedy's store.

It was Ella who first made Scarlett a grandmother, the same year that Gerald started at the new technical college in Atlanta. The child was a girl, named Ellen Solange for the women of Scarlett's family. On the train ride home, which wasn't a terribly difficult or long journey these days, Rhett had a stomach upset that wasn't quite in his stomach.

Doctor Dean listened to his chest and shook he head as he put away his stethoscope. "I don't think it was another attack. You don't sound any different, but I don't think we can ignore it. You'll probably have small episodes like this from now on. These nitroglycerin capsules will help. Make sure you keep them with you at all times, and make sure Scarlett knows how to give them to you if you can't quite do it yourself."

Scarlett took it all in stride, happy to simply just to have him near. She filled his days with drives around town and short walks through their garden, playing music and singing together, and doing her needlework while he read. They helped Alexandra and the twins with their schoolwork in the evenings. When the weather didn't permit going outside, they climbed up to the ball room and wound up the Victrola, reliving the balls and parties of their earlier years until the candles guttered. As the children grew up and married, the house was filled with small children again. Rhett wasn't able to crawl around on all fours as he once did, but he enjoyed sitting in the nursery and barking out directions during their play.

A day finally came when Rhett felt ill and his capsules didn't help. Doctor Dean came, and was able to ease his symptoms, but he and Rhett spoke for a long while with the door closed as Scarlett paced the hallway. Doctor Dean came out and smiled at her. "He's much better, Mrs. Butler," he said.

Scarlett came into the bedroom to find Rhett peeling off his nightshirt. "What on earth?" she said.

He reached into a drawer for a new night shirt and handed her this one. "My darling, it's time to start a new collection of these," he said. He watched a dozen thoughts pass over her face and knew concern for him won the battle when she smiled.

"We'll have to buy more," she said a little too brightly. "I intend to have every one of your current ones, and dozens more besides." He never saw her cry, but he knew she did and he knew when she did and how much. They spoke little of what the future would hold, but there were days when he firmly explained what he wanted done and other days when she had to firmly remind him how ill he was.

She converted one of the guest rooms into a comfortable parlor and dining room for their use. She even found the smallest piano available and had it brought to that room so that she could play and they could sing together. She kept their lives as normal as possible for as long as possible. Rhett wasn't able to take young Katie to her first ball, as most fathers in Atlanta did, but he was there to admire and kiss her before she left and was there to hear her tales when she got back.

A day came when he was unable to get to their little parlor, and Doctor Dean kindly told Scarlett that she should summon the children. One by one they all came from their various places. It was easy for Wade to stop by every day. Ella came quickly upon Scarlett's summons, bringing Melanie and Alexandra, who were now studying at the college Ella taught at. Ella divulged that she was expecting her second baby. Scarlett smiled through her tears and laughed at the way Rhett squeezed her hand. He was glad even if it was bittersweet for her. Gerald came from Tara. Rhett and Scarlett had long ago rebuilt the old MacIntosh house, and Gerald lived there while working with the two Will Benteens on Tara. The twins were still living at home. At some point it was too much, and Scarlett was relieved to have peace and quiet in her home.

Rhett got fractious after everyone left, and Scarlett sent for Father Halloran. "I don't believe all that," he said.

"Scarlett does, and you might find it relaxing just to hear the prayers," said the priest.

Rhett waved his hand, and Father Halloran opened his Breviary, which looked more battered now than it had on a long-ago train ride to Jonesboro. Rhett didn't notice when Scarlett knelt by his bed, but when his hand reached for hers, she had it right where he was looking. He listened to the prayer and discovered something in it. Maybe he believed more than he thought he did. That priest was right, as he so often was.

* * *

Hours or days later, Scarlett went down the stairs of her house for the first time in weeks, looking at the hallway and parlor in surprise, as though she'd never seen any of it before, although it was exactly the way she remembered it from before. The third attack had struck, and it had been ruthless. Scarlett hoped it hadn't been too painful. She was grateful to have been there, that he had gone from her arms, knowing he was loved.

"Miss Scarlett, why are you down-"

Dilcey quieted down as Scarlett waved her hand. She needed to find a place to be, to sit and to hide while the bubble of agony within her spent itself. The servants sensed what had happened and one went for the doctor while others went upstairs to keep company with what now was just a body. Scarlett knew that the people who took care of things would take care of them until she was ready to take charge again. She found herself in the study, staring at a bookshelf filled with odds and ends from their travels together. The central piece was still a tea cup, broken and mended with golden seams. She picked it up and cradled it to herself before walking to the old battered sofa that had been the scene of so many events both happy and unhappy in their lives. She She sat down and let the tears start.

In a few hours Scarlett would be coaxed upstairs and put to bed like a child in the room that had once been Rhett's, while Rhett lay in the room that had been theirs together. The children would sit with him. Some would pray while others would read his favorite books aloud or even sing quietly. Scarlett would sneak out of bed long enough to open the chest of drawers that held dozens of nightshirts, and this time she would pull the first one out. Time had been kind, and if she used them carefully it would be years before they were gone.

* * *

 _A/N: Thank you all so much for reading this. One reviewer asked early in ASOGAC whether I was inserting the nightshirts into the book as a sort of off-screen thing, and the answer was yes. The first chapter of this popped into mind rather quickly. Recalling how Scarlett used to sneak into Melly's room to read her letters from Ashley, I loved the idea of Scarlett being trapped in Rhett's room while getting his shirts. This chapter, which I hope satisfies most of the epilogue hunger, followed almost as quickly, and I didn't feel I could post the one without the other and therefore neither until I was done._

 _A note on colleges: Wade, of course, went to Harvard like his father. I believe that absolutely. I tend to think that Ashley probably went to the University of Virginia, since their people were from there, and that Beau would have followed him. The seven ivy league universities have the "seven sisters" colleges as their counterparts. Radcliffe is practically on the same campus as Harvard, so Ella joining Wade in Boston seemed obvious. I picture Ella teaching at Peace College in Raleigh, and her husband teaching at NC State. Their campuses practically touch now. Gerald would have gone to what is now called Georgia Tech, where he would have been exposed to all the latest ways to farm Tara. I'm not sure where young Rhett and Katie would have gone. Their lives are still very much ahead of them._

 _Thank you to the readers and reviewers of this story and ASOGAC, including **Romabeachgirl1981, COCO B, Phantom710, Guest 1 & 2 & 3 & 4, gabyhyatt, TheFauxGinge, Truckee Gal, samandfreddie, Laina Lee, Jguest, Melody-Rose-20, ****gumper,** and **Asline Nicole**. To the guest who commented about Charlie, I'll admit I have a story in my head about that. There's a key plot point I can't decide upon, which is postponing it for now._


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